Shit With Legs - March 14, 2008

Eliot Spitzer was walking shit, a cur with the moral compass of a monitor lizard and the ethics of a Haitian loan shark. He was a spoiled brat with a sense of entitlement that wouldn't fit in the Hindenberg and a know-it-all scold in the stripe of closet degenerates from Roy Cohn to Jimmy Swaggart. Blowhard, crusader, public ambulance chaser, he was everything rotten and wrong in political ambition - soulless swine karma couldn't curse with enough ruin.

Spitzer'd be just a footnote, like Bill Lerach, Dick Scruggs or the rest of the indicted or jailed "justice pimps" feeding off the courthouse but for one thing... Eliot Spitzer wasn't working in the private sector. He crushed decent people, ruined lives and nakedly exploited a prosecutor's office for his personal gain, putting people in jail for trading in the same twisted kicks he indulged in after hours. In a truly just world, that abuse of trust would be an all but capital crime, punished with a public caning on the courthouse steps and permanent exile to an Antarctic weather station... Exactly the sort of merciless treatment he'd level on anybody else in his shoes.

And that's why federal and state prosecutors in Spitzer's case shouldn't charge him with a crime. No, not a single fucking misdemeanor. And if they do, and he's convicted or pleads out, no matter how small the admission and the punishment, the President should pardon him.

The lesson of Eliot Spitzer isn't a new understanding of just how satisfying schadenfreude can be. The bigger lesson is that most of us are better than his kind, which accounts for the universal "good riddance" reaction to his freefall. Spitzer wouldn't have pardoned a terminally ill criminal with a month left on his sentence. The cruelest punishment for such a malignant zealot is letting him walk where he'd have called for a hanging. No punishment, no rehabilitation. No rehabilitation, no public life, and that's all his kind care about. Let the weight of mercy and the scarlet letter of a pardon hang around his neck like an anchor. Eliot Spitzer was shit with legs and we're all better off for his absence, which is more than enough to celebrate. Don't give him the respect of revenge. Give him a pass, and if not that, a pardon.

Posted by PhilaLawyer at 8:29 AM

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Comments

Fantastic, couldn't have said it better myself. Which is, of course, why you're the writer...not me.

Posted by: DanR at March 14, 2008 07:03 PM

I'm trying to agree with you because I suspect you're right on. However, as someone previously attacked by one of these zealots, I cannot help but root for the maximum possible incarceration for this piece of shit. I just can't help myself. It is probably like someone who is fundamentally against the death penalty and then some asshole kills a family member. Burn the heretic I say.

Posted by: munse at March 14, 2008 09:50 PM

HST? I thought football season had ended. Good form, man. More please.

Posted by: Matt. at March 15, 2008 11:36 AM

That was quite the top notch hooker too, don't know how it all got out, but this is her:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/0312084kristen1.html

I am forever suspicious of good looking women in nyc

Posted by: Greg at March 15, 2008 11:49 AM

Farewell sheriff...Wall Street knew ye too well. Bastard

Posted by: Tim at March 15, 2008 07:24 PM

He should be punished by having to dress like a full on pimp for the rest of his life. Fedora, feather boa, purple zoot suit, cane - the whole nine. That could be his eternal scarlet letter.

Posted by: K at March 16, 2008 12:36 AM

Yep, just like the moral shitbag he replaced as US prosecuter: Uberhypacrit Rudy G. The G is for Gee I just don't see the criminal behavior in all those around me. Talk about 2 walking talking douchebags, corrupt on so many levels, they invented new ways to do the double standard dance.But then again Democunt or Republicunt,is there any real difference to these assholes in power, besides the fact that they were someone's boy. A couple of pimps without a single ho between them.

Posted by: Razer at March 17, 2008 01:09 PM

Disbar him - quietly. Show him that he's not in the club anymore.

Posted by: Evil Conservative at March 17, 2008 08:38 PM

the hooker was ugly. that's revenge enough.

Posted by: brady at March 21, 2008 11:42 PM

Richard Nixon is gone now and I am poorer for it. He was the real thing--a political monster straight out of Grendel and a very dangerous enemy. He could shake your hand and stab you in the back at the same time. He lied to his friends and betrayed the trust of his family. Not even Gerald Ford, the unhappy ex-president who pardoned Nixon and kept him out of prison, was immune to the evil fallout. Ford, who believes strongly in Heaven and Hell, has told more than one of his celebrity golf partners that I know I will go to hell, because I pardoned Richard Nixon."

Posted by: Ryan at March 31, 2008 12:19 AM

It's important to remember that when you step on walking shit, it's your shoe that gets ruined.

PL: I like buying new shoes. High heels, of course... to ward off the low sparks that ruin a good set of pumps.

Posted by: that guy at April 24, 2008 02:58 PM