"Can you hold this for a second?" She handed me her drink and took off her jacket. I have to assume women either don't care or don't realize what happens when they push out their rib cage taking off a coat. Thrusting a set of breasts in a man's face puts him in an impossible situation. He has to try not to leer, but also not look away so obviously that it makes the moment uncomfortable. In this case, I had no choice. I had a head full of vodka and I hadn't been laid in forever. Her dress was tight and sheer and yes, it was damn cold in that bar.

I must have stared for five seconds - forever in a situation like that - before I realized what I was doing and snapped out of it. How couldn't I? Rock hard nipples are like fireworks or lightning. It's impossible to stop looking, no matter who they belong to. Every man's had that horrible moment in the dead of July, where the air conditioning is on full blast and some 60ish, 200 pound secretary or 401(k) administrator comes into your office and starts talking about some document you need to review or sign. She's running on about something serious and work-related but all you can think of is those huge udders at the end of her massive, Double E torpedos poking through her bra at asymmetric angles, pointing toward the floor. Your mind stays on one repeating message. Don't look down. Never look down. Stare at the eyes. The eyes, damnit.

Even more disturbingly, the phenomenon isn't limited to women. A nauseating result of the "corporate casual" movement is the prevalence of ample bosomed males in pleated dress pants and golf shirts. Four of five lawyers have "office physiques." Not walrus-like or Michelin Man fat - more sagging, swollen and flabby in bad places, the sort of people who should never wear anything form fitting. And yet, at least once a day in the summer you'll find yourself talking to a co-worker in a tight golf shirt, rolls pouring over his belt, with B-cup man breasts and his high beams on full blast, thinking to yourself, Jesus, man, have you no fucking shame? Put those things away. I'm about to lose my fucking lunch here.

The only people who seem to be aware of high beams are young women. They walk through the office in the summer with their jackets on or their arms crossed tightly over their chests, leading to awkward conversations where both of you pretend not to notice their odd hunched-over, forearms-folded posture through the whole discussion. They understand. Nipples are important. Everyone focuses on the size and hang and curve of the breast, but it's the hood ornament on top that makes all the difference. Replace the Flying Lady on a Rolls Royce with a crucifix, pyramid or Venus de Milo and you've ruined the car, no matter how amazing the rest of components are. A bad nipple on a perfect breast works the same way. It's an awful letdown unhinging the bra on a spectacular set only to discover they're topped with tiny, pinpoint nipples. The nipple is crucial, and only a fool or a eunuch would say otherwise. The law knows. It doesn't ban the public display of breasts. It bans nipples.

I'm not going to rate every type. That's a matter of taste. There are the brown ones you get with darker skinned girls and pink ones you get with fairer women. Some are so light they're near indistinguishable from the skin around them. Some are riddled with fleshy little pebbles around the nipple itself and some are puffed out all around or cone-like, as if the areola and nipple are one in the same. Most tend to be circles, but I've seen ovals now and again. Some point up, some down, some 90 degrees dead ahead. I've seen them tilted outward and I've seen them centered. The larger the breast, the more the areola tends to look stretched. Smaller, pert breasts have always been my favorite. They seem to always have these fat knobs that point out sharply, just as hers were in that dress. As I stood there holding her drink as she took off the jacket the only thought running through my head was, Christ, you could hang wet towels off those things.

Posted by PhilaLawyer at 8:29 AM

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Posted by: George Nippleopolis at May 7, 2008 10:36 AM

Posted by: Alexandra at May 9, 2008 07:21 AM

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