For Those About To Rock - July 17, 2006

They say that you play too loud, Well, baby, that's tough,
They say that you got to much, Can't get enough,
They tell you that you look the fool, And, baby, I'm a fool for you,
They say that your mind's diseased, Shake your stuff.
-AC/DC, "Rock N' Roll Damnation"

Prologue, Part I - Saturday Night

A group of college friends got together last weekend at my friend, Les Faulheit's place. There was Les, a buddy we call "Frampton," another friend, Harris, and me. Conversation degrades quickly in this circle. Here's the basic play by play.

9:00 (1 Maker's Mark and Red Bull)

Les: "Mick and Keith never did shit near as good as 'Revolver'"

Me: "Stupid debate... apples and oranges."

Frampton: "The Stones kill the Beatles."

Les: "You're being absurd."

Frampton: "You can't listen to the Beatles when you're really baked. But the Stones sound great."

Les: "That's the stupidest thi---"

Frampton: "The Beatles are like Pink Floyd. They're overkill when you're fucked up. They remind you of tripping when you're sober, so when you hear them when you're actually tripping, it's too much. It's like chasing shots of Jager with glasses of whiskey."

Les: "I like that effect."

Frampton: "Ever watch 'The Wall' stoned? It's fucking awful."

Les: "What about Traffic? You listen to Traffic when you're fucked up and that's way trippier than the Beatles."

Frampton: "That's different. Traffic has lots of horns in it."

Les: "What?"

Me: "I fucking hate this argument. They're not mutually exclusive. You can dig both ba---"

Harris: "Can you pass me that bowl?"

Me: "...there's no reason to you can't dig both bands. One did revved up blues, one did Brit Pop and psychedelia."

Harris: "I agree. I like Traffic and Floyd."

10:00 (2 MMRBs, 2 MMs, 2 Pilsners)

Frampton: "Both. I like them with something in the trunk."

Me: "Neither. I fucking hate JLo, and Guerra is overrated."

Harris: "Guerrero? He's in jail."

Les: "Vida Guerra."

Harris: "Pedro Guerrero played... What the fuck did he play? Was it third base? He had, like 400 home runs."

Frampton: "Vida... that chick in Maxim with the big ass... you know."

Les: "Vida pulls off that ass because her tits cancel it out. JLo just sucks."

Frampton: "Shitty implants. Her tits look like softballs. No teardrop effect at all."

Me: "The 'round ass' craze is such fucking Madison Avenue product."

Frampton: "You like those twelve year old boy hips on a chick. I like a woman with curves."

Me: "I like 'em all. But the 'big asses are hot' thing is a fucking marketing campaign. JLo has a fat ass, so she hired a publicist to make fat asses the shit. A fat ass is a fat fuckin' ass. I don't buy that 'it's voluptuous' bullshit. Five years ago, it was fucking waif models; now it's all big asses."

Harris: "Vida Blue played for the Giants. Pitcher, right? Or is that Willie McCovey?"

11:00 (2 MMRBs, 4 MMs, 3 Pilsners [estimated])

Frampton: "In the ass. No question about it."

Les: "Duuuude, that's disgusting."

Me: "A blow job is better? You're fucking insa---"

Les: "Ass fucking is ownership."

Frampton: "I could do anything once and block it out."

Les: "I amend my answer. Shoot me."

Frampton: "This isn't a 'Gun to Your Head' situation. There's no third option."

Les: "I'm not taking it in the ass."

Me: "Dude, you cannot suck a guy off. Think about it. You have to look at his junk at eye level. You could forget the assfucking. You can look straight forward. It'd be like a proctology exam. You'd rather smell a dude's pubes? Taste a dude's load?"

Les: "You've tasted a load. Everybody has. You know, you're all fucked up and not thinking and kiss her after a hummer."

Me: "Tastes salty. But what I don't get is why it smells like Clorox."

Silence.

Me: "I'm fucking serious. A load smells kind of like weak Clorox. Ever smell one on the sheets?"

Les: "You sniffed a leftover load on the sheets?"

Frampton: "I... (coughing fit) I've... had a (coughing fit)"

Les: "An assfucking? What?"

Frampton: "Prostate exam. Old fucker put on that glove and bent me over the table and got way up in there. They (clears throat)... fuck (coughing fit)... they squeeze the prostate like they're testing a raquetball."

Me: "I've had a chick stick her fingers up my ass. A lot of them do that."

Les: "Who, that Southern chick, the Kappa?"

Harris: "Uh... the carb on this pipe is all fucked up."

Frampton: "Jones¹ digs the finger in the ass thing. Says you come like a gusher when a chick presses the gland."

Me: "Arlington isn't the South."

Les: "Whatever, was it good?"

Me: "It's strange. You're fucking and then, suddenly, your sphincter's getting pushed open. It's shocking, and kinda paralyzing at the same time."

Frampton: "Ok, ok... here's one. You either have to kiss your brother on the lips while giving him a hand job or fuck your sister."

Les: "Missionary?"

Me: "You can't do that one. We all don't have brothers and sisters."

Harris: "You know who dug assplay? Jones..."

1:00 (Unknown)

Les: "Shut that fucking shit off!"

Frampton: "You don't like the Who?"

Les: "I fucking hate the Who."

Frampton: "Best band of all time."

Me: "What? They did fucking rock operas. 'Tommy' has its high points, but fucking come on-nnnn..."

Frampton: "Who's better?"

Les: "Everybody."

Me: "Stones, Dead, Clash... AC/DC..."

Frampton: "AC/DC? Are you fucking insane?"

Me: "AC/DC is 10 times better than the fucking Who. They're one of the top five bands of all time. They've sold 100 times more records than the Who."

Frampton: "I don't mind AC/DC, but they're not even a top twenty band."

Me: "Bullshit. (cough) You're such a white bread prep school (cough) music snob. Everyone knows AC/DC is the great-- (cough) greatest band of all time. No one admits it becau-- (coughing fit). People won't admit they like AC/DC because it admits they're... (cough)."

Frampton: "Get back to me when you grow some lungs..."

- Blackout -

Prologue, Part II - Sunday Afternoon

My editor called me back around 3:00. "That was a pretty drunken message you left. As I've said before, you can write about anything you like."

"I have a big concept piece. I had an epiphany last night."

"You sure 'epiphany' is the right word?"

"Yes... in this case, yes it is."

"I'm listening."

"I want to do a piece on marketing manipulation of the masses, class antagonism, envy and insecurity... the death of truth... a deconstruction of the upper middle class paranoia and hypocrisy driving our culture. I can rope them all together into a single concept."

Extended silence (long cigarette drag).

"Ohhh... kay. Uh... what are you going to write about?"

"AC/DC."

MEMO

July 17, 2006
To: D. Miller, Editor
From: ________________
RE: AC/DC

Here's the AC/DC essay, in a legal brief format (the only way I could write it).

I. SUMMARY OF ARGUMENT

The argument here is simple. AC/DC is the greatest rock and roll band of all time.

Subsumed within the argument are certain irrefutable truths, namely:

The level of dislike for AC/DC a person professes is
often inversely proportional to his level of self-confidence;
A person's dislike of AC/DC usually has more to do with
that person's image of himself than the band; and
Neither of these axioms apply to women, who have valid
reasons for disliking AC/DC.

II. FACTS

A. AC/DC Mach I

From 1974 through 1980, AC/DC was fronted by an outlandish singer named Bon Scott. While the band played a succession of three chord, 3 to 5 minute assaults, Scott belted lyrics in a high pitched screech of sorts, the majority of which centered around masculine themes of sex, easy women, alcohol, sex and alcohol. That said, Scott's work is nuanced, and, sadly, most of it misunderstood. His commentaries on teen age pregnancy ("Love at First Feel," "Can I Sit Next to You Girl"), gambling addiction ("Sin City"), transgender sexual identification crises ("She's Got Balls"), middle class debt servitude ("Ain't No Fun Waiting Round to be a Millionaire," "Down Payment Blues") have been largely viewed as celebrating the immorality he cautioned against.

Scott's most political work, "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap," offered a biting satire of the influx of Western mercenaries in the Angolan Civil War from a soldier-for-hire's perspective. However, like his pioneering examination of teenage ADD, "Problem Child," DDDDC was seen by the public as a nihilistic glorification of substance abuse and violence. The misinterpretation of Scott's work was best exemplified during senate hearings regarding the placement of warning labels on rock albums in the mid-80s.

Tipper Gore: 'My balls are always bouncing; My ballroom always full; And everybody comes and comes again... It's my belief that my big balls Should be held every night...' This is a song about testicles, and ejaculating, isn't it?
Ahmet Ertugun (Chairman, Atlantic Records): It's a song about ballroom gatherings. You've taken it out of context. The song goes on, 'I'm just itching to tell you about them; Oh we had such wonderful fun; Seafood cocktail, crabs, crayfish...' I've been to many formal events, Mrs. Gore, as you have. No one ejaculates in the presence of a raw bar.

The public's and press's failure to understand the complicated messages in his work wore on Scott over the years, causing him great inner turmoil, leading to an early demise. He died in 1980, passed out in his Porsche outside a bar, having suffocated on vomit after ingesting two bottles of Jack Daniels.

B. AC/DC Mach II

Following Scott's death, AC/DC recruited new singer Brian Johnson, a classically trained falsetto then fresh off a stint in the The D'Oyle Carte Opera Company's 1979 production of "The Gondoliers." While the band played a succession of three chord, 3 to 5 minute assaults,
Johnson belted lyrics in a high pitched screech of sorts, the majority of which centered around masculine themes of sex, easy women, alcohol, sex and alcohol. Johnson ushered in the peak of the band's commercial success with the breakthrough number one album, "Back in Black."

Their 1981 follow-up album, "For Those About to Rock (We Salute You)," was also a number one smash, garnering critical raves as well for the first use of actual cannons in a musical piece since Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture." After a short hiatus following a poorly received concept record about an insect living in a bar ("Fly on the Wall"), the band roared back onto the scene in 1986, scoring the soundtrack to Steven King's blockbuster about trucks and lawnmowers turned into killing machines by an evil comet, "Maximum Overdrive." Among numerous instrumentals, the M.O. soundtrack contained the top forty hit and lyrical Gordian Knot, "Who Made Who."

Since the success of "Who Made Who," the band has followed an erratic trajectory. Their 1988 album "Blow up Your Video," a controversial scorched earth response to the then heated debate raging between Betamax and VHS enthusiasts, flopped. However, the band's 1990 album, "The Razor's Edge" was a huge success. Based largely on the success of the thunderous "Thunderstruck," a cautionary tale about bassist Cliff Williams' mother's freakish 1982 death resulting from a rare and poorly understood atmospheric anomaly, the album sold over 3 millions copies. Sales to hockey, football, baseball and jai-alai arenas alone exceeded 30,000 units. Fulfilling the "Rick Rubin must produce one of your albums" clause in their contract, in 1995 the band released "Ballbreaker." It spawned one hit, the devilish double entendre, "Hard as a Rock" (which was really about erections). The band's next release, 2000's "Stiff Upper Lip," contained the infectious "I Feel Safe in New York City." As catchy as it was, IFSINYC fell from the charts abruptly in the fall of 2001.

Since the band's debut, AC/DC has sold in excess of 63 million albums, placing them in the top ten rock recording artists of all time, alongside The Beatles, Led Zeppelin and Elvis...²

----------

¹ Friend from college.

² Guaranteeing Angus Young is laughing at this piece a lot louder than you are.

Posted by PhilaLawyer at 3:34 PM

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Comments

I am sorry, but ACDC sucks. I hate two chords and a beat...oops I meant to say three. Led Zeppelin was by far the best band of all time, just inching out the Beatles. No matter how good anyone says ACDC is I cant stand the high pitch screech.

Posted by: Damion at July 17, 2006 04:28 PM

top 5 bands of all time
1. The Clash
2. AC/DC

doesn't matter after them

Posted by: Joe Strummer at July 17, 2006 04:46 PM

You may have horrible taste in music, but you're a fantastic writer. Please post more often. I'm begging.

Posted by: Gideon at July 17, 2006 04:58 PM

Say what you will about the tennants of national socialism, but at least is an ethos... I mean, nihilists don't believe in anything.

Oh yah, and AC/DC rules, you pussies!

Posted by: Rosie Palmer at July 17, 2006 05:14 PM

Damion is obviously a bad person.

AC/DC kicks ass. My girlfriend hates them, which is funny to me. I love the way her face screws up when "You Shook Me All Night Long" comes on.

Posted by: Aaron at July 17, 2006 05:46 PM

I was at home over the weekend and happened upon a top 20 (or was it 50, top 100? who cares)greatest country rock songs of all time and long before it reached number one it was easy to tell that they were going to choose sweet home alabama. Shocking, I know. But what floored me was not their obvious choice of songs, but rather the fact that the commentators were trying to apply some sort of pseudo-ivory tower intellectualism to fucking Lynyrd Skynyrd. There's no subtext there about racial issues and being proud of your home, if they explicitly comment on those issues then it isn't subtle. Anyways, I suppose I get IT. And I doubt anyone who is a true fan of the quote "only band that matters" endquote would rate ACDC above them.

Posted by: Mark C at July 17, 2006 06:02 PM

I love your writing, but this is the stupidest piece i have ever read. It's a matter of opinion! Some people choose to actually listen to the music instead of spending all their time reflecting on what it means and how it reflects you as a person. I actually don't mind AC/DC, but I certainly dont think they are anywhere near the best band of all time. Just because you enjoy listening to AC/DC doesn't mean someone who doesn't is a bad person. I thought you might understand that.

Posted by: who cares at July 17, 2006 06:08 PM

AC/DC recycled similar songs/riffs/chord progressions far too many times to be considered the greatest band of all time.

Posted by: Guy at July 17, 2006 07:57 PM

No.. Disagree with you there. DC are fuckin' amazing, but nowhere near the best.

Posted by: Dave at July 17, 2006 08:23 PM

i dont agree without about acdc being the greatest, but you are a great writer, probly the best on festering ass. you perfectly captured the flow of an under the influence conversation.

Posted by: funk at July 17, 2006 10:19 PM

i didnt know patrick bateman had a website

Posted by: Mary at July 17, 2006 11:12 PM

I think greatness is defined more by the impact the band had on people, which was clearly massive, than by anything else. Some of ACDC's vocals were a bit screechy, but I would describe many of them, especially those sung by Bon Scott as more of a roar (thunderstruck was a great song with annoying vocals), and while Angus Young was no Jimmy Page, he is fucking good. I believe "Long Way To The Top" is one of the greatest, if not the greatest rock and roll song ever. Any band that can pull off bag pipes in a rock and roll song is truly great.

Posted by: Jack D at July 18, 2006 06:45 AM

ever hear of the dropkick murphys? they have bagpipes in all of their songs and they rule

Posted by: blah at July 18, 2006 12:08 PM

Forget about AC/DC, Huey Lewis and the News are much better. Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humour. In '87, Huey released this, Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself.

Posted by: Paul Allen at July 18, 2006 02:19 PM

sorry, I can't get beyond the first timed entry - you mix red bull with maker's mark?

for shame, sir. you should have your bourbon license revoked.

Posted by: jolie at July 18, 2006 04:09 PM

I CAN GO INTO MY STACK RIGHT NOW AND PULL OUT ANY OF THE BON SCOTT SHIT AND JAM IT FOR DAYS. GOOD MUSIC IS LIKE GOOD BOOZE: IT NEVER GETS TOO OLD TO GET ANOTHER TASTE OF!! GO TO ANY LARGE COMMERCIAL VENUE THESE DAYS (ANY EVENT HOLDING MORE THAN 100 PEOPLE) AND AT SOME POINT IN THE COURSE OF THE EVENING YOU WILL HEAR SOME AC/DC.
IT ALWAYS APPLIES, AND IT ALWAYS ROCKS. SO, PHIL WHEN DO YOU START RUNNING FOR OFFICE, I MEAN THAT'S ALL ANY REAL SHYSTER REALLY WANTS IN THE FINAL ANALYSIS: PUBLIC OFFICE WHERE YOU CAN FUCK STAFFERS AND THE PUBLIC, WHILE EARNING A DELIGHTFUL INCOME FOR WHAT IN REALITY MEANS UNDERTAKING NO REAL WORK. PLUS THE ADDED BENEFIT OF NEVER HAVING TO TAKE A PISS TEST, GOD BLESS THIS FUCKED UP COUNTRY WE LIVE IN. ALL HAIL SATAN. BRUCEIFER

Posted by: BRUCEIFER at July 18, 2006 06:11 PM

AC/DC. . . the best band in the world? Folly! Hubris! Hyperbole! Doubtless, they’re a fine band, if a bit workaday. But better than, say, Zeppelin? Even on AC/DC’s home turf -- catchy, crunchy dinosaur riffs -- Zep’s stuff wins. “Problem Child�? is a pretty typical AC/DC example: fun, loud, with a half-inch of bar muck on its shoes. But up against “Communication Breakdown,�? or the later “Custard Pie,�? it might as well be Creed.

And AC/DC’s a one-trick pony. “Thunderstruck�? is a fine song, but it’s the same template as most of their other stuff. Compare that with Zeppelin’s ability to straddle genres and still deliver quality product: 12-string acoustic melodies (Led Zeppelin III, their most underrated album), mystical dork-raga (Led Zep IV), and even synth-pop (In Through the Out Door). Plus, while not decisive (alchemy and all that) Zeppelin’s constituent parts (Bonham-Jones-Page-Plant) are much greater than AC/DC’s.

But this is all academic. The Beatles are the best band of all time. That’s a fact, and it’s even subject to judicial notice.

PS: Lay off The Who. Sure, they might have been pretentious, but they rocked -- as opposed to those limpid twits in Pink Floyd, Yes, King Crimson, etc. Concept albums aren’t inherently bad; The Who Sell Out, for instance, is magnificent (and has one of the funniest album covers ever made). And Keith Moon is, without a doubt, the finest rock-and-roll drummer who ever lived.

Posted by: Harris at July 18, 2006 06:19 PM

Led Zeppelin is forever overrated. AC/DC tops them by far. Bon Scott had the better screechy voice. ;)

Posted by: Haha at July 19, 2006 02:22 AM

Robert Plant's voice was horrific live. watch The Song Remains The Same DVD (1973 concert) and you will understand what I am talking about. In contrast, AC/DC has a live album from the early 1990s where Brians voice is as good as it ever was. Bon and Brian Johnson fit AC/DC's sound incredibly well, I couldnt imagine that band having a lead singer with any other type of voice.

Posted by: Max at July 19, 2006 01:55 PM

Clutch is the greatest rock and roll band, ever. You probably never heard of them which is why they're the greatest.

Posted by: Fish at July 19, 2006 02:02 PM

AC/DC really is one of the greatest rock bands of all time.

Posted by: doug at July 20, 2006 02:06 AM

Absolutely brilliant. I really enjoyed some of your earlier stories, but your topic is truly original. I could read your stream of conciousness ideas and ramblings for hours. I look forward to a book.

Posted by: Jeff at July 20, 2006 04:06 PM

Phil Collins or Whitney Houston next, Patrick?

Posted by: Mac at July 21, 2006 01:02 PM

AC/DC to me is a spring school day, everyone in shorts. The hot guy next to me singing "knocking me out with those American thighs" to which I run my hands slowly up my right teenage, volleyball conditioned, leg. A sidelong glance as I point my leg straight in front of me. I lost my virginity to that guy two nights later, American thighs nervously spread. How can you ignore the power! The unyeilding musical control! If he had sang "I want a new drug" instead, I may have been longing for those sweaty hands to be clumsily palming my tiny sophomore breasts for months after.

Love it as always, darlin.

Posted by: harrier at July 21, 2006 04:10 PM

Isn't it strange that a guy will cringe at the thought of a medical prostate exam, but a chick sticking a finger up your ass is one of the greatest turn-ons. Is that Freudian, or something?

Posted by: Brian at July 22, 2006 03:13 AM

so, can we be expecting part two by christmas?

Posted by: anonymous at July 22, 2006 07:40 PM

BRUCEIFER really needs to fix his fucking caps lock key, because I'm sure it must be broken. Seeing all caps is awesome - it lets me know I can scroll right on by and not miss anything worth reading. But back on topic, i've always enjoyed ACDC and this peice makes me love them even more. keep up the good work.

Posted by: Blake at July 23, 2006 11:38 PM

The best band of all time is Le Tigre. Hands down.

Posted by: Dutchface at July 24, 2006 06:14 AM

The conversation piece was one of the funniest thing's I've read in ages. What's so amazing is that you completely encompass the randomness of the personal tangents flying around a room when those types of situations take place. On a more intellectual level, anyone who talks shit about AC/DC is clearly retarded.

Posted by: annabanana at July 24, 2006 01:58 PM

These are good songs, don't get me wrong, but the most soulful solo ever written is "Too Many Humans" by Buckethead. Weird as the guy may be, he can play guitar.

Posted by: random at July 24, 2006 07:17 PM

Heard you got a book deal, congrats. But how do you plan on staying anonymous with a book on the market?

Posted by: Greg at July 26, 2006 09:58 AM

i take it thats you in the pic on you "blog". The suit with the wanted man black box censoring your eyes? you look fifty. A smirking fifty year old. Do you smirk like that nude?

Posted by: buck owens at July 31, 2006 09:14 PM

Beatles are so overrated. I have never cared when a Beatles song comes on the radio "I am the fucking Walrus".....Crap. Easybeats kick Beatles arse!
Conversely I bar up whenever I hear Back in Black come on the wireless.

Of course everyone knows that Metallica are the best band of all time (LZ rules, Sabbath kicks arse, floyd makes you weird out but Metallica get you AMPED!) Watch "Whiplash" live and keep the tissues nearby for mopping up!

Posted by: Spills at July 31, 2006 11:52 PM

Seriously, Can't we all just get along? I love literally every band mentioned. I think everything you're comparing is apples and oranges. I love ACDC, but The Who fucking rock. Kieth moon was definitely one of the best rock drummers of all time.
and metallica licks the poo off my dick. Honestly, they suck.

Posted by: Cblast at August 4, 2006 04:27 AM

thank God, finally someone who has the brains to see past all the media hype. JLo or whatever the hell she's calling herself now, has the biggest f*&%in' mofo ass around. i never thought it was a great ass and i'm so damned sick of hearing how fabulous it is by all the star-f&%*ers ou there. and while i'm at it, Jennifer aniston is a dog faced girl. i'm soo tired of hearing how "beautiful" she is......

Posted by: darcy at August 24, 2006 06:28 PM

Following your logic, If AC/DC is the best band of all-time, does that make "The Terminator" the best movie of all-time?

Posted by: Nate at September 8, 2006 05:56 PM